Sunday, November 20, 2011

I want a OS map, not a Sat-Nav

I’m at a bit of an uncertain time of life right now. I graduated in July and have been looking for a job since then. I have done some temporary work since July, but nothing permanent. My issue is that I don’t know what I want to do. I’ve never had a ‘dream job’, other than when I was little and when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I used to answer (totally straight faced) ‘I want to be a mole!’ (At the time, I was a massive fan of Animals of Farthing Wood).

I did my degree in International Politics, because it was what I was interested in, not because I saw it as a stepping stone towards a career. And Inter Pol isn’t a degree that has an obvious career to follow. So here I am, a 2:1 BScEcon graduate, waiting tables at Pizza Hut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving the job, the people are great, the hours fly, and there is a lot of free pizza! But it’s not where I want to be forever.

Not that long ago, John blogged about struggling with God’s call (see his post here). And that’s kind of how I am feeling at the moment. People often say that God has something special planned for me, but I wish I knew what it was. Most of you will know that I stood for Methodist Youth President, as I felt God nudging me towards it. I didn’t get it, and was surprised by how ok I was when I found out. I took it that it was called for a reason, and not getting it is part of a bigger picture that I can’t see. But what now?

When I was a in my mid-teens, while away on a Youth Alpha weekend, my youth worker had a vision of me. He saw a mine, and a row of people coming out of it covered in dust. Something like this I imagine.

But then he saw me, in the line of people. Except I was clean. Totally spotless.

At the time I jokingly said that I was obviously just a lazy miner. But that vision has never really made sense to me. And no-one has been able to give me a true meaning for it. I take that to mean that I’m not in the right place for it to make sense. I just wish I knew what it means, and where God wants me to be.

In his blog, John said:

‘Am I being too selfish? Probably. Am I looking at the bigger picture? Probably not.’

and that is how I’m feeling at the moment. I want the answers now! I want God to zoom out the picture of my life so that I can see where I’m going, what I should be doing and that it’ll all nice and tidy. I want a large scale OS map, not a step-by-step sat-nav. I want to see my destination, not just the next turning. But I know that isn’t usually how God works. He knows better than me. In Job, the Lord says, 

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
   Tell me, if you understand.” (Job 38 v 4 NIV)

He goes on to ask Job if it was he who held back the waters, who orders the morning, if he could unloose Orion’s belt. Job has to answer no. The point God is making is that he knows all, he has power over all, and we shouldn’t try and get to big for our boots. (I always read Job 38 with God saying it in a really sarcastic tone of voice... make God that bit more accessible for me.)

So as much as I want to know where God is leading me, and it frustrates me that I don’t, I know that God has a plan for me, to bring me joy and I just have to trust in him.

It’s tough, but since when was being a Christian easy?